


Have a little faith in what will be

by supercali



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Moving On
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-08 03:33:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12855867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supercali/pseuds/supercali
Summary: It’s by accident that he sees them. He’s on his way home from a business dinner and the cab takes him past Bar West and they’re just about to go inside. Whoever it is with Aaron has an arm round his shoulders. He turns his head away, it still hurts after all this time.It’s not the first time he’s seen Aaron with someone, of course it isn’t, but every time it’s just another reminder of what he’s lost.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a prompt asking for a fic where Aaron moves on. My brain came up with this (not exactly what was asked for).

It’s by accident that he sees them. He’s on his way home from a business dinner and the cab takes him past Bar West and they’re just about to go inside. Whoever it is with Aaron has an arm round his shoulders. He turns his head away, it still hurts after all this time.

It’s not the first time he’s seen Aaron with someone, of course it isn’t, but every time it’s just another reminder of what he’s lost.

He sees them again the next morning, when he’s on a run for milk. He’s forever running out, Seb seems to inhale the stuff and he always forgets to pick some up ready for the next morning.

They’re just coming out of Mill as he nears the shop, and it’s nothing really, just a quick goodbye kiss. It’s not the first time Robert’s seen him leaving, hell Aaron’s probably seen him doing the same on the very rare occasion he likes someone enough to let them into his home, but he’s heard the gossip, that they’ve been going out a while, that it’s serious.

He realises he’s standing and staring when David is waving a hand in front of his face and he jumps a little. “Sorry, mate, you looked miles away.” He looks and Robert sees his face change, almost embarrassed, and will it ever not be that way even after so long.

“Something like that. Just after some milk.” He hooks a finger around the handle of a bottle and stands it on the counter, fumbling for his change, because now they’re in the shop, laughing and joking. “Thanks. See ya.”

He catches Aaron’s gaze as he leaves and he smiles a little, they always do because it’s them and he doesn’t think they’ll ever not be ‘them’. It’s why he’d left after all. After everything had quietened down, when he was left with a three month old baby and a ton of guilt he couldn’t bear to stay no matter how much his sister had tried to persuade him.

So he’d gone, not like last time. He’d said his goodbyes, done it properly, put up with the tears from Vic. Not like anyone else would really miss him. He was scared, on his own with a tiny baby, no idea what he was doing. He managed somehow, not without a few late night phone calls to Diane or Vic, but he’d got through it and they’d been ok, the two of them.

He tried, God he’d tried to put everything away in a box in his mind, Aaron, everything he’d done, all of it, because he had to move on had to make a new life for himself. He’d done it before, hadn’t he, so it shouldn’t be any different this time. The difference was this time he wasn’t alone, he had Seb to think about and as much as he thought he was doing a good job, being the best Dad he could, it was just them, alone.

His son deserved a family and Robert’s was here, in Emmerdale. There wasn’t anyone else, he was all the tiny scrap of a thing had in the world. So he’d moved back, when Seb was about eighteen months old. He was doing an alright job but he missed his family, the crazy little village. They’d moved into the Nicola and Jimmy’s old place now they’d upgraded to somewhere just outside the village. It was a bit close for comfort sometimes but it had been the only place available, and even he had to admit it was handy for babysitting, or advice.

They’ve settled back in nicely in the year since they came home. He’d never got round to selling his shares in Home James, Nicola happy for him to be a silent partner, probably ecstatic in fact, so he’d settled right back in, albeit part time as if he’d never been away. 

He shakes himself out of his daydream and heads away from the shop before they can come back out. He drops the milk off at home, ready for Seb when he’s home from nursery and heads up to the scrap yard. They both still work there, although he spends most of the week either working at home or out at meetings and it’s…fine.

Sometimes he thinks it would be easier if they weren’t so civil, if they weren’t friendly. He could deal with that a lot easier. It’s better now, time’s a great healer and all that, but before he’d left the boundaries were weird and they’d find themselves close, too close, before one of them would come to their senses and move away. Usually Aaron because even though Robert understood it was for the best, that Aaron couldn’t do it, he would still have that small spark of hope that maybe just maybe…

That was part of why he moved away because he couldn’t move on seeing Aaron every day and he doubted it was any easier for Aaron even though he’d been the one to say once and for all that it was over.

When he’d come back they’d just settled down, not as friends, not even mates, some weird combination of the two, but it was as though the time apart had healed them both and they could be in the same room without any lingering feelings getting in the way.

“Oh. I didn’t realise you were in today.” He looks up at Aaron as he barrels in the door same as always. “Just came to pick up my phone. Must have left it here yesterday”

“Ok. I just came in this morning to get some of this done before I pick up Seb. You off anywhere nice?” He glances out of the window, and he’s there, leaning against Aaron’s car. 

“We’re going to a car auction. Liv wants a car and I said I’d find her one.”

“She told me you’d tried teaching her to drive.” The dramatic retelling had kept him laughing for ages. Liv was a funny one, once she was sure they weren’t getting back together when he moved back, she’d started to come round a little and now she called in every so often to make herself at home on his sofa and scoff his food. They didn’t talk about Aaron, nothing serious anyway just general moans and groans. He’d asked Aaron after the first time whether he minded, didn’t want any more aggro, but as always Aaron was better than most, said it was up to Liv. “Bet that was a fun experience.”

“Yeah well, she’s havin’ proper lessons now. Better for everyone.” He rubbed at the back of his neck, the gesture so familiar it made Robert stop. “Anyway best be off.”

“Good luck…Aaron,” He stopped, one hand clasping the door handle. “He seems nice. I’m glad for you, really.” A smile and then he’s gone and Robert can breathe again.

*****

He doesn’t see them again for a month or so. They’d gone away, Liv tells him, Ibiza. He’s glad because as much as he’s happy for Aaron it’s still hard seeing him with someone else even after so much time. He can get used to it, he’s sure, but not all at once, needs time to let it sink in. He’s heard all about the failed dates and those that didn’t last past a couple of weeks while he was away from Liv the first couple of times he saw her. Maybe she did it to make sure he knew he had no chance, not that he thought otherwise, maybe she didn’t want him finding out from anyone else. Whatever it was he was glad he’d had the warning, not that he’d expected Aaron would stay single forever.

He doesn’t see Aaron for a while when they get back because if it’s not Seb that’s coughing and spluttering all over the place thanks to catching Vic’s cold, it’s him. He keeps him home, doesn’t go in to work, struggles on little to no sleep because Seb’s ended up in with him every night and his son is like a limpet, clinging to him, coughs wracking his tiny body throughout the night.

It’s just a cold but it scares him because it’s the first real illness he’s had and no matter what Vic and Diane say he’s worried.

He’s picking up the toys that are scattered around the place now that Seb’s finally asleep, hoping it lasts long enough for him to get a nap or at least a sit down, when the doorbell rings.

Aaron, holding what appears to be a casserole dish, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot. He just stands aside beckoning him in.

“I, er, bumped into Diane…she asked me to drop this in. She was on her way to Hotten for an appointment or something. Said you’d been laid up all week.” He takes it with a tired smile, putting it on the kitchen table before dropping down into the armchair, waving his arm for Aaron to sit down.

“Seb more than me. I’d offer you a cuppa but it’s the first time I’ve sat down all day.”

“I’ll make it, looks like you could do with one.” There’s a hand on his shoulder as Aaron passes and he closes his eyes to the sound of the kettle and cups clinking as he moves about.

The next thing he knows Seb’s laughing and he snaps upright in the chair, imagining all sorts. What he doesn’t imagine is him being sat on Aaron’s lap, giggling as they turn the pages of one of his books.

“Hey, what’s this?”

“You were sparked out. Figured you needed it and he woke up. We’ve been alright haven’t we mate?” Seb just tips his head back to look up at this new person who’s talking to him, goofy smile in full force.

“Aaron…” It feels wrong, but also right and he’s confused and still half asleep. It’s everything he hoped, well the best he could have hoped for considering everything, and he only gets it when Aaron’s with someone else.

“Stop freaking out or whatever it is you’re doing. I’m helping you out, like anyone would. Besides this book is pretty interesting.” He lets Seb onto the floor when he whines and he’s climbing up next to Robert before either of them can say anything.

“Dinos Daddy!” The excitement in his voice makes Robert smile. He’s never been a chatterbox, late in starting to talk but he’s catching up and every word is like music to Robert’s ears. He catches Robert’s lip with the edge of the book and he hears Aaron stifle a laugh. 

“I know, dinosaurs are your favourite aren’t they? Now I know why you were into the book.” He raises an eyebrow at Aaron.

“I, er, I should go, leave you to it.” He gets up, not quite meeting Robert’s eyes. He ruffles Seb’s hair as he passes.

“Thanks…for staying with him. I really did need that sleep.” With a nod he’s gone and the place feels empty but he doesn’t have the energy to go out or do anything so he just sits and listens as Seb looks through the book chattering to himself.

*****

They carry on like that for a while, running into each other in the shop and the cafe, one time in the pub when he convinced Vic to babysit so he could have an evening to himself.

He’s still seeing him, Robert knows that from the gossip he overhears when Pearl isn’t quite discreet enough. He doesn’t feel jealous, doesn’t have the right, but he feels like he’s lost something all over again.

He even tries going on a date, his first for a while. He’s nice enough, own business, successful, interesting he guesses, but he finds his attention straying halfway through the meal. He makes an excuse and he’s home before dark, stroking a hand through Seb’s hair as he tucks him in.

The next morning he passes Aaron in the street just as Vic is asking him how his date went. He thinks it’s his imagination but does Aaron hesitate just a little. He’d stop and try and make conversation, but Vic’s got her arm through his and is tugging him along.

“You know it’s not going to happen, right?”

“What are you on about?”

“Aaron. He’s happy Robert, with Mark.” He wishes he’d never agreed to brunch now because when she’s got a bee in her bonnet she doesn’t let up and he’s not in the mood. He knows why last night didn’t go well, it’s because throughout the meal he was thinking about what Aaron would be saying or doing and how the man in front of him just couldn’t compete with that.

“I know that. I even told him I was happy for him.” She looks over in surprise and he can’t help but smile at getting one over on her. “Didn’t know that did ya? Vic, I’m fine.” He holds her gaze, refuses to let her see he’s lying through his teeth.

“Hmm, so when do you want me to watch Seb for you again? I promised him we’d make cookies to next time he stayed over. That’s ok isn’t it?”

“As long as you’re the one looking after him when he’s hyped up on sugar, yes. Um, actually, could you have him tomorrow night?” She nodded eagerly, eyes shining over her cup of tea.

“Are you seeing him again then?”

“Something like that.” No he’s not, but she doesn’t have to know that. “Thanks Vic, where would I be without you?”

*****

Life goes on they say, so why does his feel as though it’s stopped all of a sudden. Ever since Aaron had called round that day a month or so ago it’s like his been thrown back in time. His days are set into a routine that he loves for it’s repetitiveness and he knows that it won’t be that way forever because it feels as though Seb is growing up every day, but he’s struggling and he doesn’t really know why. Why now? Maybe it was that tiny glimpse of how things could have been, how good Aaron had looked holding onto Seb, reading together. It was enough to make him want it all over again and bring everything back up, all that he’d thought he’d stamped down far enough to be left behind for good.

Right now he’s taking Seb to Isaac’s birthday party, because the two of them have of course become fast friends. He’ll drop him off and then pick him up, still not really comfortable being in the same room as a bunch of Dingles for any length of time. Vic will be there later so he knows he’ll be fine.

He doesn’t count on Seb having a tantrum as he goes to leave, demanding he stay, making a fuss so everyone’s looking. He feels totally inadequate even though he’s dealt with it before, just not with his ex’s family staring at him, thinking he can’t cope. Thankfully Moira sends him next door so he can calm him down in peace, and he can breathe.

He’s just tired and over excited and he’s curled up on Robert’s lap clutching his shirt, and Robert’s happy to stay where he is. He doesn’t look up when the door opens, expecting it to be Moira checking on them.

“He alright?” Aaron. He should have known he’d be here. He keeps his face turned away, cheek brushing against Seb’s soft hair, because he knows he’s got tears of frustration and exhaustion in his eyes, doesn’t want Aaron to see.

“Just tired. He’s decided he doesn’t like to sleep any more. Maybe I should take him home.

“No, wan’ to go.” He’s whining and Robert knows that means he’s tired but he’s never been able to deny him anything so he gets to his feet but Aaron’s hand on his arm stops him.

“Let me take him and then I’ll come back.” He frowns but doesn’t say anything, lets Aaron take Seb’s hand and lead him to the door to the room full of screaming children. He sits back down, head pounding already, doesn’t know what’s going on. He hears the whispered ‘it’s fine’ from Aaron before the door opens again and he’s back, perching on the table in front of him handing him a bottle of beer. “Vic’s here, he’s fine.”

“Thanks.” He takes a large sip of the drink, finds it easier to pick at the label on the bottle than look at Aaron. “Don’t you want to get back out there?”

“Mark’s not here if that’s what you’re askin’.” It was but he’s not admitting it, should know that Aaron can read him too well. “He had to work.”

“I meant what I said, I’m happy for you.” Whatever this is that he’s feeling, he is happy for Aaron, but as much as Aaron can read him, he’s almost as good at knowing when something’s wrong. “What is it?”

“It’s...this isn’t a conversation I...” His knee is bouncing up and down and it’s everything he has not to reach out and press his hand on his to stop him, “He wants to get married.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this was meant to be a one shot but it's now going to be three parts...hopefully the final part won't be long!

The room’s quiet, sounds of the party creeping through the closed door, neither of them knowing what to say. Robert swallows down the sudden burst of hurt because it was inevitable, right? But Aaron doesn’t look happy, doesn’t look how you should when you’ve been proposed to. Admittedly their own experience is somewhat different but he didn’t look like this back then. Aaron’s waiting for him to say something and he wants to spit out any words he can but he’s got nothing because it’s not his business, not any more and he really thinks saying congratulations might make him throw up.

“I hope he said it better than that.” Maybe joking is the way to go and it gets a smile if nothing else.

“Well yeah.”

“What did you say?”

“Said I needed time to think. I don’t know why I’m...I shouldn’t be talking to you about it, it’s not fair.” He starts to get up and this time Robert does reach out, grabs his hand.

“You can always talk to me, you know that. I thought things were good between you...I mean Vic said...”

“They were, are, but...getting married...it’s just got me thinking about stuff that’s all. Do you ever wonder...” Robert puts down his bottle and without thinking he takes Aaron’s hands in his. “Rob...”

“Of course I do but we both know...it wouldn’t work would it? If it could...well...If he makes you happy, if he makes you smile then you shouldn’t let him go.” He gets up, hesitates, then presses a kiss to the top of Aaron’s head. “Be happy Aaron, you deserve it.”

He keeps his distance through the rest of the party, standing at the edge of the room away from everyone. Vic’s sending him concerned glances from across the room but he ignores her, watching Seb running around and playing instead. When it’s time to leave he helps his son into his coat crouching in front of him.

“Did you have fun?” He smiles when Seb wraps his little arms around his neck so he can pick him up. “Did you save me any cake?” He could do this, he had him. That would have to be enough.

*****

He doesn’t find out if Aaron actually said yes until a week later when he next sees Liv at the bus stop and her reluctance to chat gives him his answer. Not that he really expected anything else. Aaron was hardly going to suddenly change his mind after this long. It was just him who was stuck in the past.

Victoria is still trying to convince him to go out again, suggesting people she knows that he might like, but he’s not interested and he ends up snapping her head off a couple of times. He should get out, away from the village but he can’t bring himself to try.

The decision is kind of made for him though when he overhears Pearl, it’s always Pearl, talking about the fact that Aaron’s having an engagement party in the pub later that same week.

“If you waited a week or so I could come with you.” Vic’s telling him as he straps Seb into his car seat.

“Sorry, but it has to be now.” He hands him his bottle of juice and closes the door, turning to face his sister. “Gran wants to see him.”

“So it’s nothing to do with Aaron then?”

“What? No! She called and, well you know how persuasive she is. It’s only a couple of weeks, I’ll be back before you know it.” Just as soon as all the frivolity across the road is over. He can see Chas over there now, tying balloons to the outside of the pub and he shakes his head.

“Robert, I’m not an idiot. You said you were happy for him.”

“I am, but that doesn’t mean I can be around and watch.” It’s not just the pub, it’s the subject of gossip in the cafe, the shop, he even had to listen as Moira and Laurel were discussing it as he dropped Seb off at nursery. “It’s better this way. I’m not leaving for good, I’m coming back. I just need some time away to work stuff out.”

*****

The time away helped, even if his Gran could tell him nothing more than he already knew, that he had to try and move on, however difficult it was. Just being away from the village had given him that bit more perspective.

Vic’s waiting when he gets home, having badgered him for his flight details and she’s taking a sleeping Seb into the house before he can stop her. He’s sure she thinks he’s incapable half the time. When he’s all tucked up in bed she makes tea and makes herself at home on the sofa.

“You’re stopping then?”

“I want to know how Gran is.” He scoffs as he sits down, he knows her better than that, he heard them on the phone at least four times while he was there.

“Gran’s fine. A force of nature as always.” He sipped at his tea, wincing as he burnt his tongue. “Go on then, ask me what you want to know. I know you remember.”

“Did you sort yourself out?”

“Not entirely but I’m getting there. I’m not going to do anything stupid like declare undying love or anything like that. If he’s happy with Mark then good for him. He deserves it.”

“So do you Rob. It’s been, what, three years? You have to let him go and let yourself be happy.” It’s so easy to say it he thinks, does she think he hasn’t tried.

“Yeah, maybe. Look, I’m pretty tired so...”

“Get your nose out Vic, yeah I get it. Seb’s back at nursery tomorrow, yeah? Meet me in the pub for lunch, I’m not working until the evening. We can discuss Seb’s party.” He feels guilty, hasn’t given it any thought apart from a few presents he’s had hidden away for a while. She gets up and hugs him tight. When she’s gone he shuts off the lights and climbs the stairs, dead tired all of a sudden. He checks on Seb, perching on the side of the bed watching him sleep for a while.

“We do alright, don’t we? We don’t need anyone else.”

*****

He’s waiting for Vic to join him in the pub, sat at the bar verbally sparring with Charity as always when Chas calls out a greeting. He looks up expecting Vic but it’s Aaron, closely followed by Mark. He drops his gaze, hoping they’ll find a table, but the place is unusually busy for a lunchtime so they prop up the bar just a little way from him.

Then he sees it, when Aaron turns to face the bar and talk to Chas. It’s like a shining beacon and he stops, bottle halfway to his mouth. Why is it a surprise, he’d known Aaron had said yes, that they were engaged, so why was this making him feel this way.

He just about manages to recover himself before Chas looks his way. Maybe she expects him to kick off, it’s happened before after all. He won’t though, although he does notice with some kind of relief that the ring that sits there is nothing like the one Robert had given him.

He sees Mark head for the gents and he’s slipping off the stool before he can stop himself and walking the few steps it’ll take to get him to Aaron’s side.

“I see congratulations are in order then?”

“Er, yeah, cheers.” Aaron looks startled and he can see Chas out of the corner of his eye, hovering, just in case. “No work today?”

“I’m meant to be but Vic summoned me to lunch. She’s planning Seb’s birthday thing. You know how hard it is to say no to her. What about you? Wouldn’t be skiving would you?” His smile is dimmed when he sees him coming back over to them.

“Mark’s been pretty busy and he had the day off.” He feels a stab of something at the smile on Aaron’s face, the hand on his back, tries to keep it off his face. “Mark, this is Robert. Rob, this...well...”

“Good to meet you, and congratulations.” He reaches out a hand and he can’t help but give the man a look up and down, noticing the recognition in his eyes as he shakes his hand. It gives him some kind of weird satisfaction that he obviously knows who Robert is. 

“Thanks. Well this isn’t at all awkward is it?” He says with a laugh and Robert can’t deny how nice he seems, laid back, not at all like him, which he supposes is the point. 

“No need for it to be.” He’s done it now. “I just wanted to congratulate you. I’ll leave you to your lunch.”

He drains his beer and with a last smile he leaves, he’ll wait for Vic outside, despite the cold.

“I was just coming to meet you. I’m not late am I?” Vic’s in front of him, perky as always.

“Aaron’s in there. With Mark.”

“I thought you said you’d sorted yourself out!”

“I did. I didn’t cause a scene. I just congratulated them. He seems alright I suppose.” He links his arm with hers, gently directing her towards the cafe because there’s no way he’s going back into the pub.”What does he do anyway?”

“He works for Hotten social services. He’s nice and...”

“Not me. Do you mind if we eat here? Only so much happy couple stuff I can put up with for one day. Come on my treat.”

*****

He’s supposed to be off today, had planned to go into town to get the last of the bits for the party, but Nicola had other plans and called him in to fix some crisis that’s cropped up overnight. It’s not long before he’s in the swing of things, knocking heads together over the phone and actually enjoying it, when Aaron walks in.

“Hi. Thought you weren’t here today?” He drops into his chair, swivelling round as he always does. Any second now he’ll start tapping his pen on the desk, and he can’t help smile when he does exactly that. “What?”

“Nothing. Just some things never change, do they?” He gives up working, won’t concentrate now and sits back in his own chair. “Nicola dumped this lot on me. I meant to ask yesterday, how the party was?”

“Oh! Er, good, yeah. Well you know what my lot are like.” His eyes widen and he stops himself. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine. Full steam ahead then?”

“Guess so. Robert...” He’s interrupted by his phone and he wants to ignore it and let Aaron finish but when he checks the number it’s the nursery.

He feels his heart skip as he listens and he must pale or something because Aaron’s on his feet and coming over to him. He eventually manages to hang up, can’t speak, feels like he can’t catch his breath.

“Robert, what is it? Robert!” His hands are on his shoulders as he searches frantically for his keys. “Rob just stop, breathe would ya?”

“It’s Seb. He fell at nursery, hit his head. They...they took him to the hospital. I need to go.” It’s bad, it must be and he doesn’t know what to do.

“Come on. I’ll drive ya.”

“No, no, I’m fine...really.” He can see he’s not convinced but he’s not Aaron’s problem and it’s time he started acting like it again. He’d done it before. He finally finds his keys in his pocket and he gets up, pushing past Aaron heading for the door. 

“Robert, you’re shaking. Either let me take you or I’ll call Vic.” He can’t fight him any more, just wants to get to his son.

They’re at the hospital before he even notices and Aaron’s giving the receptionist his name, then nudging him over to a seat. He doesn’t know how long they sit there until a nurse comes out to him.

“Mr Sugden? You can see Sebastian now.” He dimly hears Aaron say he’ll wait.

He’s going to be fine, they’ve assured him it’s just a slight concussion but he has to stay overnight. He was running and he fell, the member of staff told him, just an accident. It’s all a blur.

They’re up on the children’s ward before he thinks to text Vic, Seb sleeping, him sitting in a reasonably comfortable chair, knowing he’ll be there all night.

“You’re going to send your Dad grey kid, you know that?”

“Like father like son then.” He lets out a sigh. Aaron’s leaning on the wall beside the bed and he doesn’t know what to say. He didn’t have to come up here after Robert had let him know where they were going and he doesn’t have the energy for anything. “I was worried. If you want me to go...”

“Sit down. He’s ok, just concussion, be home tomorrow. You didn’t need to come all the way up here. It was enough that you drove me here.”

“Well I’m here now. You look done in.”

He hates how they are now, stilted conversations, awkward pauses, like they’ve gone back in time. He wants that to get better more than anything but he doesn’t know how. Maybe they can’t do it, maybe they can’t be friends.

“I can go back and get him some stuff if you want, or get Vic to bring it.”

“It’s fine, she’s already getting it. You don’t have to do anything.”

“I’ll keep you company then, til she gets here.” He can’t, there’s too much whirling round in his brain, worry, upset and everything about Aaron is coming to the surface and if he doesn’t get Aaron to leave he’s going to do something he regrets.

“Like I said, thanks for bringing me here, but you can leave now. We’re not your problem Aaron, remember?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm @nooneelsecomesclose17 on tumblr. Pop by and say hello!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, well obviously I lie because I said this would be the final part, but it's not. The next one is, I promise!
> 
> Don't hate me ;)

He keeps Seb off nursery for a few days after he’s discharged, probably over cautious but he doesn’t care and today is his first day back. They’re halfway down the street when he hears footsteps approaching and Aaron’s there pulling faces at Seb and making him giggle. He hasn’t seen him since Seb left the hospital, hasn’t really seen anyone.

He shouldn’t have said what he did at the hospital, throwing one of the last things Aaron had said to him before he left the village back in his face. He knew Aaron hadn’t meant it any more than he had but he hadn’t changed so much that he didn’t lash out when backed into a corner.

“You got time for a chat?” He’s got his hands shoved in his pockets, lip pulled between his teeth and Robert can just about nod. He should have expected it he supposed. Aaron was never one to let something lie. “Your place?”

“Give me ten minutes.”

It takes him a bit longer, Seb clinging a little until he sees Isaac and then he’s off and dragging toys about the place. Robert dawdles home, trying to work out what he’s going to say, pretty difficult when he doesn’t really know what Aaron wants to talk about.

“Well, you coming in then?” He shoves the key in the lock and leads him inside.

“You want to tell me what that was at the hospital?”

“I was just stressed, I shouldn’t have said it.” He leads him through to the kitchen, switching on the kettle by reflex. Maybe if he busies himself with that he can get through this.

“But you did and you don’t say things for nothing. So tell me what’s wrong.”

“There’s nothing wrong. I was worried out of my mind about Seb and I lashed out.”

“You acting all weird. We were ok, getting on with things, or I thought we were, and then Isaac’s party happened and...I told you about Mark proposing...you told me to...you congratulated us.”

“Why does it matter?” He’s staring out of the window, leaning on the counter, not wanting to look at Aaron because he’ll see right through him.

"Because whatever we were, we’re friends now, and I care about you.”

“I can’t be friends, Aaron, not any more. It’s too hard. I want you to be happy, really, but I can’t be your friend and hear about Mark and how good your life is because every minute I’m wishing it was me not him.” He hadn’t meant to say that, he really hadn’t, but now it was out there, Aaron knew. 

“Rob...”

“Just go, Aaron.”

“You know why we broke up...”

“You couldn’t handle Seb in our lives, I know and I got it, really I did. You kept your distance before I left, when I came back, and then you’re here with him reading his book and it’s perfect, everything I want, all a reminder of everything that I’ve screwed up, but I can’t get it out of my head.” Finally he turns round, sees Aaron’s stunned face at his outburst, doesn’t know what he was expecting. “So no I can’t be friends anymore.” He sees him take a step towards him and backs up to the sink. “I need you to go now.”

“You can’t just say that and expect me to leave!”

“What else is there to say. You’re getting married and even if you weren’t things wouldn’t be any different because that’s what you wanted. Please, Aaron.” He turns away again. He’s done talking, because nothings changed and never will and whatever friendship they did have, well that’s gone now too.

*****

“Only me! I was thinking, if we take down the fence between the gardens that make a lot more room for the...Rob, what’s the matter?”

“Aaron was here.” He’s slumped on the sofa, his head had been pounding since Aaron had left and once more he was wondering what possessed him to give his sister a spare key.

“What did you do?” 

“Because it’s my fault of course. Never mind, what are you on about with this fence? It’s a third birthday party, do we really need to be destroying the garden?”

“Yes if we want to fit the bouncy castle in.” He sits up straight, doesn’t recall any mention before now of this. “It’ll be fun!”

“Aw do you wanna go on a bouncy castle Vic?” He can’t help teasing her and he laughs as she hits his arm. “Thanks for sorting all this. I haven’t been much help.”

“He’s my nephew, and besides, it’s his first birthday in the village, it’s a special occasion. Anyway you’re paying.”

“Sometimes I wonder if coming back was the right thing.”

“What happened with Aaron?” It all comes out, all he’s feeling, once he’s started he couldn’t stop, told her everything.

“It doesn’t matter really, any of it, because it was all over long before I left. What was I expecting him to do? It’s...I’m happy I am, I’ve got Seb and we’re doing alright but...I suppose I hoped maybe one day...”

“You have to try and put it all behind you. I don’t like seeing you like this and you and Seb are doing alright but you need a life too.” He shakes his head, it’s nothing she hasn’t said before but it’s easier said than done isn’t it. 

“No more blind dates. I mean it Vic.” She doesn’t look entirely happy but she nods. “Right, so this bouncy castle then? You realise it’s November, yeah?”

*****

He’d vetoed the castle in the end, thought it best as snow was forecast. In the end it didn’t matter, Seb and his friends from nursery had been just as happy with party games and generous helpings of cake. 

He’d cheered himself up and been all smiles, even when Cain arrived with Isaac, scowl fixed into place. For some reason Robert convinced himself he knew what had gone on even though it was ridiculous. Cain always looked at him like that, it was just how things were.

He kept it together even when Liv turned up, thankfully alone. He wasn’t sure what he would have done if Aaron had been with her. For everything she’d said back then, she’s taken to Seb easily and he laughs when she places kisses all over his little face making him squirm and wipe them away in disgust. He rips into his present, leaving a trail of paper behind him as he runs to Robert to show off the crayon and felt tip set she’s bought him.

“They’re going to end up decorating my walls, aren’t they?” The answering smirk on her face says everything. “Thanks so much Liv. You’re going to have fun with that aren’t you Seb?” He waits until he’s run off again, seemingly having endless energy, to put the present in a pile with the rest. He expects Liv to have gone with him when he turns round but she’s still there clutching another gift bag. “You alright?”

“Yeah, er, this is from Aaron.”

“Oh.” He looks up and calls Seb back over watches him explode with happiness as he finds another dinosaur book and a cuddly t-rex. He finds his eyes stinging and he flushes, a simple kids toy getting him like this. “Tell him thanks.”

“Did something happen?”

“What makes you say that?” He’s got half an eye on the other room where Seb’s run off to, but Vic’s supervising well enough. 

“He’s moody. Snapped my head right off this morning when I asked if he was coming with me. It his special kind of moody...usually when you’ve done something.”

“And you didn’t do anything to bring it on I suppose? We had a talk when Seb came out of hospital that’s all.” 

“There’s something you’re not telling me.”

“Absolutely. Now I say this with all the love in the world Liv but keep out of it. Aaron’s happy so let’s just leave it, ok?” He’s in the other room before she can answer, trying to corral the kids so he can hand out the party bags that will probably be forgotten about by bedtime, and get his house back.

It takes far too long but finally it’s just him, Vic and Seb, who’s already diving into his new toys. The place is a tip but he’s exhausted so it’ll stay that way for now. He can’t settle though, knows why, doesn’t know what to do about it. It’s not until his sister asks him why he’s acting so strange that he makes his decision.

“Can you watch him for half an hour? Just, er...something I need to do.” She nods and with a ruffle of Seb’s hair he’s gone, striding down the road to the Mill.

Thankfully Aaron’s alone, he’s not sure what he’d have done if Mark had been there. Still he’s here for a perfectly innocent reason, that’s all it is.

“I just wanted to say thanks, for Seb’s present. He loved it.”

“Well he seemed to like them.” Aaron shrugged. “You fancy a coffee? I was about to make one.” He looks nervous, and confused, probably wondering why he didn’t text or wait until he saw him next. Even he’s not sure of the answer. He nods though, and sits down watching as Aaron fiddles with the coffee machine, trying to think what to say, hoping Aaron might start a conversation. 

“You didn’t have to do that, buy him a present.”

“It’s nothing, really.”

“Maybe not, but it means a lot to me that you did.” Aaron doesn’t say anything, just shrugs and puts his mug in front of him.

“I didn’t mean to spring that on you, about Mark at the party, but I couldn’t...not without telling you, didn’t seem right. Stupid, huh?” Robert just stares at his hands, doesn’t want to look at Aaron. “But I won’t...just the kind of mates who work in the same office from now on, right? If that’s what you want it to be.”

“It’s not...want, but you’re with him now. It’s just hard you know, seeing it...” He lets out a harsh laugh, “of course you do. Maybe it’s karma, me feeling like this.”

“It’s not...I’m not doing this as some kind of punishment, you know me better than that.”

“I know you’re not. But that’s not your problem, it’s mine.” He hesitates, will never forgive himself if he doesn’t ask. Once he knows for sure then that’s it, he’s done. “Can I just ask you one thing? Do you love him. I mean, really love him. Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him?”

He says nothing, looks out towards the living room. “I don’t...I love him, really. I just don’t picture the future any more. I did that before.” Well there it is then. He stands up, can’t stay now. “Robert don’t...”

“No it’s fine. Like I said before, I’m happy for you. I just wanted to thank you for the present. Cheers for the coffee.” He nods at it, untouched on the table, and then he’s gone.

When he gets home he manages to act normally, sends Vic home with a smile. When she’s gone and the only noise is Seb playing he lets his mind wander. Had he expected Aaron to declare his love or something? Now it was even worse. 

He’s just thinking of getting Seb to bed, when there’s a knock on the door. He’s not even really surprised to see Aaron and he barely has time to pull the door to the living room shut so they’re away from little eyes before Aaron’s kicking the front door shut and kissing him, pressing against the wall. It feels good and right and wrong all at the same time and he has to stop him even though he doesn’t want it to end.

“Aaron, stop.” He pulls away, eyes questioning and it takes Robert a few seconds to find his voice. “I can’t.” He pushes the door open and points. Aaron suddenly laughs.

“I think someone’s had a long day.” When he looks, Seb is curled up on the sofa, fast asleep, clutching the dinosaur that Aaron had bought.

“I should get him to bed. I won’t be long, then I think we should talk, don’t you?” Aaron nods and Robert crosses to the sofa to lift Seb up and takes him upstairs. He half expects Aaron to have left anyway when he gets back downstairs but he finds him on the sofa staring at the photos on the walls. “What was that? You’re getting married!”

“We were.” It hurts, still, even more that it came from Aaron. He can take it from anyone else, has done many times, but it always hurts when it’s Aaron.

“I fucked up Aaron, that’s what I do and I will regret it for the rest of my life, but you, you don’t do this...so what was it, some last fling, a game, what?”

“Can’t it just be us?” It’d be so easy just to give in, to have Aaron here, to hold him, kiss him, but he’s changed, for the better he hopes and he won’t make a mess of three people’s lives by giving in when he’s pretty sure Aaron has no idea what he wants.

“No. We can’t, I’m sorry.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was meant to be a one shot,but 10000 words later it’s finished!
> 
> Honestly thank you for all the wonderful comments. Given what’s on screen I thought people would hate it. Thank you to the lovely person who prompted it in the first place!
> 
> Enjoy!

“What the HELL did you do?”

“Come in Chas or would you rather yell at me on the doorstep?” He’s barely stood aside before she’s striding into the living room. “Before you start I have no idea what you’re on about.”

“Aaron, of course! You just can’t leave him alone can you? Can’t bear to see him happy without you, his attention on someone else.”

“Chas as much as I love to stand here and listen to you list my supposed faults, this time you’re wrong. I told Aaron to be happy, to marry Mark. He was the one who came round here the other night and...”

“You know he’s called it off don’t you?” That stops him in his tracks and he frowns because what does it mean. He hasn’t seen Aaron since he’d left that night, hadn’t wanted to because he knew he’d give in. “He can tell me all he likes that it isn’t, but I know it’s to do with you! Why did you have to come back here?”

“I’ve been back over a year Chas, I really don’t think you can blame this on that, and you know what? Try talking to your son instead of jumping to your usual conclusions, yeah, because I’m not in the mood. Now if you don’t mind, I’ve got to pick my son up from nursery.” He doesn’t even let her answer just stands in the doorway and waits for her to leave.

He wants to go and find Aaron but he stops himself, it won’t help. He knows that if Aaron turned up on the doorstep ready to give them another chance he wouldn’t refuse, that’s never really been a question. He knows though that nothing has really changed, Seb is still here and even three years later, surely he’s still a reminder of everything for Aaron.

*****

Christmas is on him before he even realises and it’s more than a month since Aaron broke things off with Mark. He’s not been around the village much according to Vic and Robert’s taking it as a sign of some sort. He’s getting on, getting things ready for Seb’s Christmas the first he’ll really understand what it’s all about.

The house looks like Santa’s bloody grotto already but he likes it, it’s homely and more like the Christmases he remembers before his Mum died and Vic is already cooking up a storm, using his oven when hers is in use so everything always smells of Christmas.

“Seb! Come on or you’ll miss the carols!” He stands at the bottom of the stairs watching as Seb, stubbornly independent, bumps down the stairs on his bottom. He’s got his reindeer jumper on and as Robert helps him on with his coat he catches the red nose and sets it playing with a tinny version of ‘Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer’. He’d think it was cute if he hadn’t already heard it a hundred times before. “We need to get you a different jumper young man.”

“Carols, Daddy!”

“Come on then.”

It’s only because Seb is with him that he doesn’t walk back out. The church is full and they’re late and the only seats that are free are at the back, next to Aaron. He hadn’t expected to see Aaron here although he remembers they came along the first, and only, Christmas they spent together. He hesitates long enough for Seb to pull at his arm and he can’t do anything else without making a scene, so he slides into the chair and lifts Seb onto his knee so he can see. They sit in silence as Harriet speaks and it’s increasingly uncomfortable until Aaron laughs quietly at Seb attempting to stand on Robert’s knees.

“Seb, you don’t need to see, we’re just singing.” He might only be little but his feet are currently making dents into Robert’s thighs. “Don’t you encourage him.” He warns Aaron with a smile.

“He’s a bit excited then.” He whispers back.

“Just slightly. So, how are you?”

“You heard then?” Robert sighs and nods. “S’pose nothing can be kept quiet in this village for long.”

“Your Mum barging into my living room accusing me kind of let the cat out of the bag, yeah. She giving you a hard time?”

“She can’t if I never go in the pub or answer her calls can she?” Robert’s about to say something when Seb starts to slip off his lap and he grabs him, setting off the tinny music. It has the effect of everyone turning to look at them and Seb’s in a fit of giggles.

“I reckon that’s our cue to go home.” He catches Aaron looking to the front of the church and he sees Chas glaring at the two of them. “You er, you can come too if you want? Just for company, we don’t have to talk.”

Aaron nods after a few seconds and Robert would be lying if he didn’t get a thrill of excitement when he saw Chas’ face as they left. This could be the worst idea he’s ever had because he can already feel everything coming back, all the feelings that he’s tried to lock away. They walk home in silence, Seb chattering away and Robert’s once more scared about how normal it feels.

“Let me just get him sorted and I’ll bung the kettle on.”

“I’ll make it, I’m sure I can work your fancy kettle.”

He settles Seb in front of the DVD that he’d promised he could watch and fetches him a drink before joining Aaron in the kitchen. He’s settled at the table, hands wrapped round his mug. He sits next to him wondering whether to talk about the elephant in the room or not.

“You can ask you know.”

“You could just tell me. Your Mum said you’d called the wedding off.”

“Wasn’t like we’d started planning. Don’t you want to know why?” He sips at his tea not meeting Robert’s eye. “You were right by the way, I didn’t imagine our future, not long term. Maybe that’s because of us, what happened, but I think it’s more because deep down I knew it wouldn’t last.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything.” He senses he’s lying, hopes maybe.

“Why did you kiss me?” He has to know if it was some kind of test, Aaron proving himself or was it something else, and if it was, then what happened next.

“Why do you think? I shouldn’t have, I know that, but I had to know, make sure that I wasn’t confusing things, feelings for you.” He’s proud of the way he doesn’t ask, as much as he wants to know. “I wasn’t by the way. Did you honestly think I didn’t still have feelings for you?”

“I suppose I hoped. Did you, er, say any of this to your Mum?”

“God no! What do you take me for? Why?”

“She certainly seemed to think it was all my fault. Not that I’m not used to that but...she’s been icily civil the last few months so...” Aaron laughs and it defuses the tension that had built up between them. “Look I can handle Chas. I just want to know you’re alright and I haven’t seen you around.”

“I’m gettin’ there. I feel worse for him, he didn’t deserve to be messed around. It’s all a mess.”

“Well nothing either of us does is ever easy is it?” They’ve both moved closer and before he can stop himself he’s cupping Aaron’s jaw, the beard so familiar against his skin. He could so easily lean in and kiss him.

“Daddy!” The call startles him and he pulls away.

“Sorry.”

“I should go.”

“Aaron...” Everything feels like one step forward and two back all the time and it’s making his head spin. If ever Aaron needed a reminder of what the stumbling block had been between them he’d got it.

Robert feels instantly guilty thinking that. He wouldn’t change Seb for the world but his timing is terrible.

“Go, see to your son. I’ll see you around.”

*****

He feels like he’s back at square one, not hearing from Aaron, left wondering what’s going on. He’s trying to give him time, not pushing, keeping his distance but he feels like he’s in limbo. He hasn’t said anything to Vic about what’s happened, preferring to keep it to himself. He knows what she’ll say anyway.

“Daddy? How many sleeps?” Seb pulls him from his thoughts and he looks at him finishing his cereal, milk all around his mouth.

“What do your blocks say?” Every morning Seb looks at the countdown calendar in the living room. It had been a present from Laurel, no one more surprised than Robert, said it would help with his counting, that Dotty had the same one. All it needed was Robert remembering to change the numbered blocks every day.

“Th’ee!”

"That’s right. Now, let’s get your teeth brushed and off to Aunty Vic’s.” He’s got Christmas shopping to finish and at some point he has to find time to wrap the mountain of presents he’s accumulated, entirely too much and he’s probably compensating for something but he can’t bring himself to care as long as Seb’s happy.

He’s loaded down with bags, gasping for a cup of coffee when he bumps into him, walking along reading his phone. He suggests coffee, hoping he’ll say yes and not long after they’re finally in the warm and his hands are thankful that the bags are finally unwrapped from them.

“Haven’t seen you for a few days. You alright?”

“Just had some thinking to do.” He takes a sip of his coffee and Robert smiles, “What?”

“You’ve got...come here...” He gently swipes his thumb over his top lip, wiping away the froth that had stayed there. Then he realises Aaron’s just staring at him. “Sorry...”

“Don’t be. As long as you don’t get out a hanky and start wiping my face, you’re fine.”

“Oh God, I don’t even do that with Seb.” He sees it then, Aaron’s gaze drops and the slight twist of his mouth, not a grimace but close enough. Oh. “You know, I don’t know what you’re thinking about stuff, but he’s not going anywhere.”

“What?”

“Seb.” This isn’t the best place but he’s started it now, “Look, if I’m wrong tell me, but I assumed we might be...and I know you couldn’t deal with it before, so if it’s still the case just tell me. I understand, I do, but I have to know.”

“No! That’s not...I mean yeah, back then all I could see was Rebecca and what happened, but now, he’s yours, he’s you. That’s the problem.”

“I don’t understand.” His heart is thudding so hard in his chest he’s sure everyone can hear it.

“I’m not ready yet, it’s only been a month...but if we do this I don’t want to get it wrong, I want to be sure, for you and for Seb, I don’t want to let you down. You might need to wait for me to get myself together. Should be used to that I suppose.” The easy grin takes anything else out of the words and Robert relaxes. He can wait.

“I’m a little out of practice, but I’m sure I’ll cope. For the record you couldn’t let us down. You never did.”

That seems to have removed any lingering tension or nervousness between them and before he knows it over two hours have passed. He has to get back, he promised Vic he’d pick Seb up before her shift and he’s pushing it to get back now but it’s been so long since he and Aaron just talked, about nothing much at all really, that he’s reluctant to let it end.

“I have to go, but...what are you doing for Christmas?”

“Up at Wishing Well as usual. Liv’s at Sandra’s so... just me now.”

“What about your Mum?”

“She’s backed off.” Robert can’t help widen his eyes, that doesn’t really sound like Chas. “It wasn’t my doing. It was Cain. I don’t know what he said but she’s stopped going on about you.”

“I’m hurt!” He picked up the bags, thankful the car wasn’t parked too far away. “Well we’re going to Diane’s with Vic, but I doubt we’ll stay late because there’s only so much of Doug that I can stand in one day, so, if you get bored.” Aaron nods and now he really has to go or he won’t see Christmas, but as he leaves and he notices Aaron watching, he feels lighter than he has done for years.

*****

He’s knackered. Seb’s in bed, worn out after getting up at four, and Robert’s alone. He thinks about calling Aaron, but he promised to give him time. Vic’s still at Diane’s. It’s better now between them but together they still sometimes make him feel like he’s on the outside looking in and this time of year always brings up memories of his Dad and that’s one thing that just hasn’t improved. So he’d made his excuses and carried Seb home, arms full of child and more toys that would have to find a home somewhere.

He’s flat out on the sofa, contemplating finding a film on the TV, the room lit only by the tree lights and the tackiest light up singing reindeer known to man. Seb loves it and it’s the only reason he’s allowing it in the house, his obsession with dinosaurs temporarily replaced by Santa’s four-legged helpers.

As he reaches for the single glass of whisky that he’s allowed himself he can’t help but think about that Christmas. If Aaron hadn’t found him...well he’s not dwelling on that like in previous years, not now, because things are better.

He’s nearly asleep when the knock comes and he’s rubbing a hand through his hair as he answers and there’s Aaron looking gorgeous in a smart jumper and well fitted jeans, his best coat over the top. Then there’s him, in pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt.

“Sorry, did I wake you up?”

“No...just slobbing on the sofa. You want to come in? Your lot started singing yet?” Aaron just laughs and shakes his head and steps inside. “You want a drink?”

“No, ta. I just came to give you this.” He handed over an envelope, clearly nervous and Robert feels guilty, because he hadn’t got him anything, hadn’t wanted to add any pressure to him. “Don’t look like that, I didn’t expect anything...this is for Seb as well, more for him than us probably. I thought we could all go together.”

He rips into the envelope to find tickets to the pantomime in Leeds for the following afternoon.

“You didn’t have to...”

“Well I did, so shut up. I thought we could go see this and then go out for tea somewhere and then...well do you think Vic would have Seb at hers?”

“I expect she could be persuaded. What did you have in mind?”

“That’s for you to find out.” He looks shy and Robert thinks it makes him all the more attractive and he can’t stop himself reaching out, taking hold of his hand, pulling him closer because he thinks he’s right. “I want this, us, I think we can make it work...no I know we can.”

“And Seb? Are you sure?”

“I want to get to know your son, want us to be a family. We might fight...well we will fight, it’s us isn’t it, and I doubt it’ll be easy but I love you, I always have.”

“What did you say to me? I never stopped and if you think you can put up with all this,” He looked round at the mess the day has made of the room. “I love you Aaron.” He can’t wait and longer, closes the gap between them and kisses him.

He wants to stay here forever but Aaron pulls away, smile firmly in place. “That’s a yes then, is it?”

He hears small footsteps before he can say anything and when he looks behind Aaron there’s Seb, rubbing his eyes complaining that he can’t sleep.

“You can stay down here for a bit if you like. You don’t mind, do you?” Aaron just gives him a look that tosses away that final bit of doubt, before he surprises Robert once more and lifts Seb up into his arms.

“Course I don’t. Want to watch a film with me and your Dad mate?”

It’s been a long time, but as he sits on the sofa next to Aaron, Seb squashed in between them, blanket thrown over all three of them watching whatever Disney film is on the TV, he realises he’s finally, properly happy again.


End file.
